life is precious

random stuff: for once, i fear death.

woke up this morning, and felt some pain in my mouth. it wasn't ulcer. it was my tongue which was damn painful. i looked into the mirror, and i saw a lot of tiny hard lumps on my tongue, and the sides of my tongue were splitting up (for your info it wasn't the small tiny red lumps that most peeps have after eating some salty stuff too much; i had it before and this time it wasn't the same kind of lumps that i have now). i went WTF straight away, but didn't tell my mum about it because i don't want her to worry so much since she was already sick.

that wasn't the end. i had a fucking bad time eating my breakfast. damn painful. i can't even taste the bak zhang i was eating in the morning. all i felt was sharp pain on my tongue. ate one and decided not to eat already. went of to je library to study with wh mx and jj.

while i was studying there, suddenly i felt the lump was getting bigger, and part of my tongue seemed to be peeling off. worried, i went into the toilet and stared at the mirror for 10 minutes just to examine my tongue. the lumps swelled, and one of them was as big as a water droplet. fuck. and part of the flesh of my tongue seemed to be peeling off. there were white spots on the underside of my tongue, and also some greenish marks on the lumps. damn painful. tried to rinse my mouth plenty of times and hoping that the pain would be relieved. went out of the washroom later and pretended as normal. can't concentrate on my studies at all, because i had lots of thoughts in mind.

what if the lumps are cancerous? have i really lived enough? what if i die? what happens to my next of kins after that? have i done what i wanted to do? can god save me from this torture? help me. i don't want to live with regrets. i haven't seen the world enough. really. these lumps freaked me off the entire day, even though i tried to act normal today. tried to indulge myself into mugging without thinking about other stuff, but in the end i only covered 50% and it wasn't enough for me to pass even. maybe i should see a specialist asap if the lumps still don't disappear by sunday. hope it gets off by then. god bless.

used to be nosebleeds, and now it's my tongue giving me problems. sucks.

i just don't want to die. i admit i am afraid death. i am just not prepared.