it's time to let go.

random stuff: just realised i have something to say, but you might not see it, and i guess i will still have to continue to write it. but don't worry, because most peeps don't know my blog address and they won't know whats going on.

things changed. i have to let things go by now. it's meaningless for me to cling on something that doesn't really benefit anyone in life, but instead inflict more harm. i have understood now. and i guess i gonna leave you for good, and maybe things will only work out for both of us this way (and maybe thats what you want too). it may seem to be a tragic end to our friendship, but i rather end a short-term friendship, over a long-term friendship which i might even kill myself if it ends.

i won't pursue this matter. i guess i should let nature decide for me how my life should be. you can find me annoying, stubborn, insensitive, childish, naive, or any other negative traits of my personality, but let me tell you. i have had enough of it. seriously speaking if you don't want to see me forever, i will. i know what you have in mind. i know why. it may be due to my part. i shouldn't have done it for whatever reason you could think of. it sucks to live on like this, when you are trying hard to avoid me at all costs and i try to mend this friendship between us still.

afterall, only a stubborn fool like me, will be able to tolerate your frustration and attitude. and times changed. you have made me realised something: i have lost a friend. a friend who was there for me to share my problems and console me. a friend who was there to wake me up when i was in crisis. a friend who used to give me advice for lots of stuff. she was there, brightening up my life while i was still able to see her in school. the good old days, i spent with her alone, looking at her bright smile brightened my day. and those days were the ones that i won't forget, because it's the peak of our friendship. everything seemed to go downhill later. and i admitted that i didn't cherish the friendship well when i should be, and always take it for granted.

it was when you were away, that i realised that i have fallen for you so deeply. it's so deep that i couldn't even swim to ashore, and i was going to drown. how foolish i was, to think that you would accept me. it turned out otherwise. you turned me away, and walked away. i couldn't help, but tears are being held in my eyes. i was about to shed my tears, but i told myself not to, because i thought it might be better just by maintaining a good friendship between you and me. we still chatted a lot through phone and msn. we still had dinner at the end of the day at times. but now i found myself having woken up from a dream. a dream that might never come true forever. i just want to treat you like a good friend, trying to shower you my care and concern, but you have treated me like a devil's advocate. you were always reluctantly giving me replies. and i know it. i ain't that dumb. i know what your mind was thinking about, "CAN THIS FUCKING BASTARD STOP PESTERING ME AND ANNOY ME?". i was being dumb, trying to salvage the friendship. i was being naive, thinking that we could still be having the same kind of friendship like the past.i haven't changed much at all. i am still the same old me. but i have realised, you are no longer the friend i knew in the past. what happened recently really convinced me. i have to go. vanishing from your sight.

i guess you should know this. the sooner the eagle flies the coop, the sooner the high-flying eagle livin' begins. though you also know it's scary to let go. it's just like holding on to a time bomb without knowing when it will explode. it's damn hard for me to let this go, but really, i don't wish harm to be inflicted on both of us and ended up having to suffer. you have your own commitments to attend to, and i have mine too. it was my mistake to tell you that i missed you damn lots last time, and i shouldn't have said so, even if i am facing that problem. because i know, you will feel guilty. you won't feel nice if someone is willing to do anything just for you. you won't want to carry the guilt forever. you don't want to be blamed for causing all the trouble. i know. i know you won't feel good at all.

for all i know, if there's any outings or whatsoever organised, i don't think i should go, even if i miss others lots and when i am free. because i know, the sight of me irks you so much that you want to kill me instantly. and i know it well, so i shouldn't let you feel hurt. and i guess, i will have to make this great sacrifice. by taking multiple steps back, and live in solitude. away from you. i can do everything for you like a shadow, just to ensure that you live happily ever.

i know you are in an emo-state recently, being pissed off so easily. i guess the main culprit is me, for causing you to have such a fiery temper and spamming vulgarities everywhere from blog to msn. and i just hope you could chill, and maybe just forget everything. forget everything literally. just do what you like. maybe it's the last day i am talking to you because i won't talk to you anymore since you find me so annoying. i shall not irritate you, nor pushing you to the limits. even if i see you on the roads coincidentally, i may not even greet you, since that's what you really want me to be - invisible to you.

163 days of friendship. i am not sure if things are going right for now. but i just feel that i should just let this sail away. don't worry about this being read by other peeps you know of. this blog isn't seen by distant peeps, only peeps that i am closer with. i am shedding this last bit of tears before i end this post.

sorry for all the trouble i have caused. sorry for all the misery that i inflicted on you. and thanks for being a friend for once. i will remember.

good luck for your future endeavours. and i will still support you for whatever you do. and if you want to tell me something, and by all means, feel free to do so. and i will reply if there's a need to.